I didn’t do well in 2017.
I wasn’t motivated, I wasn’t focused, I forgot things all over the place. I fucked so many things up, in life and at work but especially at work. And I was harder and harder on myself as I internalized the resentment I felt from others. I can’t remember a time in my life when being on the receiving end of kindness felt as shitty as being on the receiving end of malice, or criticism, or sabotage – that’s how wicked your own mind can be to you.
I’ve heard the saying that the opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference. When you become indifferent to yourself, it will creep into everything you do. I couldn’t see it until recently, but it has been getting worse all year. I guess this is what new years are for: I won’t be a completely different person next Monday, but I can certainly try to start making a difference in my own head space. I can take better care of my mind and body (mainly, drink less, but that’s a whole other ball of wax), keep a checklist of goals handy, talk to people about keeping myself accountable for reaching those goals, insist on pursuing every available opportunity to learn new things on the boat, and generally tell myself that I am good instead of bad. I’ll make no more excuses (and no more apologies).
Ask me in a week how I’m doing with these resolutions – my grumpier self of late would scoff that none of those things will come to pass but the optimist in me knows that I can do so much better than I have been doing. I’ll do it for myself but I’ll do it most of all for the amazing women I know who work so hard in this industry and put my half-assed efforts to shame. I want to be real for those women; I don’t want to be a fake. I need to take my job out here more seriously (and myself a little less seriously).
With that, I’ll see you in 2018.